Witness for the Prosecution

In a trial in a small North Carolina town, a prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she
would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help
her God.

She says “I do.”

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known
you since you were a young boy and frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and
talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big
shot when you haven’t the sense to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you
quite well.”

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn’t even think for a few moments.
Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors’
faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not
knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking
problem. The man can’t build or keep a normal relationship with anyone,
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know
him.”

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered
throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called
both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, “If either
of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you’ll be thrown in
jail for contempt. Is that clear?”

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